Reality Show

I have decided our family needs to be on a reality show that highlights some of the best families ever. There is just so much going on with ALL of us, who wouldn't be interested in the drama?

It would be called "Crazy Wonderful" and it would be a show about eccentric and wonderful BIG families and how they all live. The show would film mainly at two places, like at Matt and Amy's and at Heather and Darin's. The rest of us would get a few visits from the camera crew, but not on a regular basis. For instance, they would film Heather checking the answering machine and it would play Mom, Dad, Amy, me, Mikie.... all leaving really long messages. Then Heather would get out old photos and show all of us as little kids. The film crew would have gotten Mom talking at the Groundhog Party, Amy and the kids in the weird hunting store, Amy and the kids opening Mom's packages...etc. The crew would follow Matt around at school, and all of America could watch his presentations. He might even get a few things published just cause people heard of him on the reality show. They would show Matt riding his bike to school in 8 degree weather and cutting his frozen hand. They would show his humble excitement when he found out he won the poetry contest with the poem about my wedding. (YAY!) America would just love Matt to death and wives across America would have arguments with their husbands after "Crazy Wonderful" was over because it just showed Matt getting up at 4 am and going to bed a 2 am after working, going to school, taking the kids to some activity, making dinner with AMY and then doing acrobatic tricks for Jarom to get him to fall to sleep. Many divorces would ensue after women realized what dud/ deadbeats they were married to. Even hardworking fellows would have to kiss their wives goodbye, just because the wives were so ticked that they had to work too. No one would realize how the little Beatty family struggled with money, people would just want to BE the little Beatty family. Wives would even get Amy haircuts and buy Valentines aprons. In fact their would be an apron frenzy across America. It would be the new sign of TOTAL AND COMPLETE liberation for women. Marches would happen out in New York City, marches for lesbians and nurses and stay at home moms. And they would all be wearing aprons. People would get rich in months from new start-ups in the apron biz. Bella would be the most popular baby name in the country and Jarom the runner up baby name. (an annoying side effect of the show) Mormon missionaries would have a heyday with the amount of conversions they were taking in due to the show, and Matt and Amy would get an award during General Conference for being such shining examples of what LDS members should be like. The cameras would zero in on Bella and Jarom's face as they opened care packages from Nana and care-packages in general would have a surge in the US. The crew would wait just outside of the delivery room, just close enough to get a few of Amy's yells before little O was delivered. Claudia would be smiling, laughing, so excited as the crew interviewed her while holding the new dear one. Matt would be playing all kinds of dad games with the other kids to entertain them during the labor, and then it would show the whole family together peering down over their new addition. The Provo crew would become fast friends with people in town, and eat at Guru's alot and one of the crew would even get baptized during the show.

Dad and Simon would get some visits from the crew. They would shufffle through his house filming what was in his fridge and the books piled up by his bed and Simon coming in from the wild and then follow him over to Mom's where he was called on to help out in some way. It would show Mom and Dad getting along and then Mom leading Dad down to the basement to show him something about the "sump pump" and then they would find something weird in joey's basement (again) and Mom would get real worried and then they'd go back upstairs and Mom would open a Diet Pepsi and drink it really fast. Nettie would be picking a fight with Eddie and mom would say "She's such a brat" right at the camera lense. America would be divided on the Mom and Dad sitch, because half of American would root for them to get back together and the other half would be like "NO WAY". Mom would get filmed at work, being an unusually NICE librarian lady and reading to the kids at storytime on Thursday nights. Suzanne wouldn't be too pleased because she would get embarrassed of all the cameras at first, but then after a while she would get really into it and like to make comments on camera. They would film Mom at home with the finch situation and show her watering her plants. Nettie would be a real star too, with her unusual ways.

The crew would also follow Dad to the bindery and get up with Dad at 4:45 am. They would show what he packed for lunch, and show him making it. At the bindery, he would give quick lessons on machinery operation, the kinds of projects there, and a few introductions to his co-workers. Grandma G would be in the show too, now and again, and she would hate all the fuss. But she would be friendly to the crew after she got over all the "fuss" and offer them food.

Later the crew would catch up with Joey at the Trudeau's place and the scene would turn more like something from regular MTV reality shows with a lot of smoke wafting around and loud music and Matt T and Joey CRACKING THEMSELVES UP, bad. Matt would trip on some lamp on the floor or something and then Joey would say something extremely sarcastic. Sometime the crew would catch Joey in a serious conversation with Heather, and Joey would be P/O'ed because the whole world would know he liked some girl and now whoever she was knew too. It would bring back disturbing memories of the whole entire family setting him up with his own cousin Paloma when he was only 4 or something and taunting him about it for years. Joey would have lots of girls trying to make friends on MySpace after the show had aired a couple weeks, but he would deny like 90% of them.

Mikie. The crew would fly out to Santa Cruz and get Mikie in a Shakespeare gig. They would interview him in the green room when he was getting ready between scenes and the rest of the cast would all act really weird and funny cause a Reality TV show was there. Mikie would act extremely passionate about things during these moments behind the scenes, talking about why he didn't have a girlfriend and the dichotomy between Placerville and Santa Cruz in his head. They would follow him back to the velvet wallpaper house and his roommates would wander in and out of the scenes. Mikie would fix himself a microwave burrito and then take the crew out on the roof. (Mikie would become best friend with two guys from the film crew) He would tell the story of the house burning down by his house, and how he sometimes felt alone even in a house full of roommates, and how some people suck- but not most. They would follow Mikie back to Placerville on a weekend trip and film him the moment he walked into Mom's house while Heather, Mom and Joey and one of Joey's friends were there. Mikie would be super stoked on a new album he just heard while driving- and be talking about how great the drive was and how he made the trip faster than ever and "Have you guys eaten? We should go get some food." The whole scene would become a lot of really fast talking between Heather and Mom and Mikie and Joey would pipe in about some kind of word scramble about aliens and toast. The teenage girls of America would love Mikie and soon he would be in many many movies, after "Crazy Wonderful" timed out.

Heather and Darin would have the main set up for the crew. The film trailer would be parked there next to the van. They would follow Heather and Darin on their trip around the US but do their best to make it feel like Heather and Darin were alone. They would follow them quietly into mountain museums and tiny diners and show H and D rocking out at some adorable music shows on the way. Darin would get a chance to play an impromptu set at a show, and the film crew would have a heyday with that. When the van would break down or the battery seize up, the crew couldn't get involved and would feel real bad as they filmed the chaos and a bit of arguing that would ensue. But then Heather and Darin would meet some really nice old man mechanic and he would not only fix their van for almost no money, but would let H and D spend the night at his house. The whole gang (H, D, and the crew) would meet the guy's wife and have biscuits with fresh butter and homemade jelly somewhere in North Carolina, as Heather explained what a vegetarian was to the little old wife. This part of "Crazy Wonderful" would be like a couple shows devoted to just H and D's road trip. The show would start off with some sensational sounding guy's really deep voice saying "Last week on Crazy Wonderful : H and D's Road Trip" and then a bunch of scenes from Georgia and New Orleans and some gas station in Mississippi would play. The show would lose some watchers after the Road Trip part of the show was over....lose some of the gypsy indie kid type watchers.. At home, they would film Darin painting for lots of hours, and the whole world would be really amazed at his CD covers. (Loomfixer would sign to a successful indie label after the show finished airing, along with Joey who would sign on as a solo artist with an extremely successful debut album called " Watchers in the Crumbs of Heliotrope Zona"). Heather would be a real winner to all of America. They would show Heather and Daphne cuddling and all the cats would have a mini claim to fame. Stormy would go down in history as "The Best Loved Cat in America" and Abby would have a few stalkers trying to figure out Heather and Darin's real address. Indie girls, seamstresses, grandmas and teachers around the country would write Heather letters that would come in the mail all pink and decorated beautifully with tiny cut-out stars and goats. Some guy that had an extra ranch near Sierra City would offer it for free to Heather and Darin after one show that showed them going to a petting zoo and Heather making friends with all the baby goats. The show would interview her about her farm-life dreams and plans to build a rickety lovely wooden house. She would also get a call from one of the couple's who's house was in that one famous book about homemade natural houses and they would offer to help her and Darin build.

And at the end, after all, after "Crazy Wonderful" was over.... everyone would go on a Beatty Family Tour Bus and Matt would do book signings next to Heather, Darin would enthrall audiences with Adie singing back up and Joey finishing the set singing solo and then everyone would do a weird computer dance, Mikie would autograph the covers of his latest film on DVD, Dad and Mom would just meet tons of people and watch all the fun, and Amy and the kids would have to wear sunglasses alot just so they'd not have the new local chapter of Ladies In Aprons mobbing them.


Someone else might have to write the part on me.