then sleep, and good work

Last night I watched the opening performance of Much Ado About Nothing in the decorated forest glen up at Shakespeare Santa Cruz. Joey came with me too. Now, as much as Much Ado isn't exactly my favorite Shakespeare play, I had just about the most wonderful time of my life sitting dead-front on the forest floor, surrounded by friends, watching smart actors do good theatre.
How elitest! I don't care. Because it killed an insect that had been scribbling around inside my heart for the past few weeks; smashed it like a bug and tossed away the dirty pieces.
Not to say that bugs are all bad - just that some ones (like ticks) will suck your blood into their bodies and make you sick until they are so fat that you can pop them blueberries. This bug was on its way, but I stuck around for last night and popped it good, killed it. and now I'm awake again, after a few weeks of strange blur and dark sad and uncertain half-conscious.

When the play was over, the whole cast and crew showed up at our infamous Rush Inn bar for a little afterparty. I talked and laughed and even danced with some of the most amazing individuals I've ever gotten to know in my life.

Matt and Amy have a quote on their fridge that to this day spells out a fix to what might be wrong (and blindly so) in my life at times. Something about the greatest source for unhappiness and misery coming from replacing what you want most with things that you want in the moment. Then there's a quote from the film The Beach that defines paradise not as a physical place, but as 'a moment in your life. and if you can find that moment, it'll last forever'.

Here is what this means. 1- risk the money. Have NO money. Risk having no money. Because when we get worried about money, we put warps and squiggles in what is already fixed and good. I warp my life from time to time because of money - but college has taught me lesson after lesson about the worthlessness of money and the rewards of sacrificing all of it for an idea. (IE: $$$$ for a degree in Theatre Arts?) 2 - risk the comfort. I don't know how many times I have not wanted to do something because it was uncomfortable. But I learned a good few years ago that our comfort is a bulwark, blocking out opportunities to learn new things and love a bigger world. So, risking the comfort hurts but just for a second. And soon after, you're swimming in a river or lake or ocean of new possibilities for living! And it really works this way. Try it, I dare you. Do something tonight that you would never do. That you wouldn't be caught dead doing. 3- never stop questioning. Question your money, question your comforts, question every decision you make, every last one, until you are sitting in your room or house looking at all your possessions and "needs", asking yourself with a furrowed brow, "Why do I have this book, that television, these specific shoes, those specific habits, why my fingers are white, why my little belly, why this music, why any money" 4- change. Do it. Ask a question, find your truest purest answer, the deepest root, and look for a subtle change. Just to try something new. Why do you speak english and not French? 5- Remember. Remember remember remember. You will love yourself someday for remembering things, so do it. Remember what once made you happy. Think of that 'paradise' and remember it. Happiness never goes away, we just tend to forget about it. We are all free. So remember. If that means you have to write down everything you ever think, do it. Because the more you write down, the more you get to read and remember later on. Works for me, thank you Heather (gave me most of journals in life).
6-Sleep.
7-do all the good work you can come up with. Read and write and think, watch and listen and learn. Play and run and dance. Give and take and share. Live, love, do, try, do not, try not, dream, wake, drink and be merry for tomorrows are forever today is real.