long time no blog

not gonna lie, i'm a little embarassed by my behavior as of late. ever since that fateful day when i decided to embrace the wild yellow and drive recklessly up 5 to my dear Zora's doom (Zora being my Subaru) everything seems to have bloody changed.
Now I'm homeless, carless, moneyless and virtually lifeless in Placerville for crying out loud. A month ago I wasn't doing too shabby in nifty LA, now I'm here.

The main letting go was with the headshots. It took me years to get up the courage to pay to have my face taken by photographs for 3 hours. It intimidated me through college and beyond, but never did i actually finally take the huge leap. 3 weeks or so ago i finally climbed over that hurdle, and instead of feeling motivated to go out and pursue a living even more, I was finally free. Free to taste the sun again, smear my face with scars and hair. Free to shag it up and smell. Be the real Mikie Beatty that one no one would buy. I needed a break.
Life in LA is a precise one, every mark must have meaning. It's crazy how much people notice the little things. The way you turn your head, the tuft of hair behind your ears. What a miserable existence that can sometimes be. I think I had just simply had enough - I wanted out for a little while, cut the reigns and just run around naked for a spell. That's what this is, my naked run. Right as my car breaks down and my lease is up. Perfection.

Oh the adventures of pain and strangeness, like a terrible cut that keeps getting infected no matter how well maintenanced it is. But healing happens and one day when you wake up, there's a scab. The next day the red is thinning, the next day it's yellow, white the next. Then it itches, the scab falls off, and soon you've forgotten about that whole terrible fiasco that the wounds came with.
Sure there's a scar, but scars are cool.

When I cut myself bad last year after falling off my bike, I never thought my wounds would heal. I'd watch them like a hawk, and they only seemed to get worse. Every day was misery. But they healed and now i have these scars. Does it work the same for emotions? I think they heal the same way. But it's harder to distract yourself from emotional pain because its far more consuming. Especially for me.

The past week I was a demon to be around. A true demon. But it wasn't a reaction of truth or reason on my part, it was a poor example of a cry for help. I think the instability caught up with me; nature abhors vacuums and so do I. I was trapped in a vacuum and was reaching for any aid that was close by. I'm so freaking sorry it I flipped on you mom, dad, heather, Darin, joey, emily, everyone I'm really sorry. You know that's not me, it was all just a temporary total lack of certainty and lostness.. honestly, you know that's not me, and so do I.

Something happened in San Francisco to yesterday. I can't explain it, but it made me love everything and everybody more than I can remember. It's hard to remember all this love when you're thrown off your rocker and forced to walk on weak legs. But that's adventure, and as sick as I am of having adventures, I love that too.
so forgive me guys for being so freaking wacky lately.
I'm done with it. time to do some cool work again.