Our last Shakes-to-Go performance happened, lots of people came, everybody loved it, and like the flash that these last three months have been, it was gone. Closed-in-full by Knocked Up, a movie that I watched stupidly alone at the movie theatre, putting me in my doomfilled place, reminding me that now after all is said and done, i am back, like that peg, stuck up, square one.
Actually, the truth is i am sitting in front of my computer in red night shorts and dim light, as much at a loss about my future as I was 6 months ago. I can plan and think and dream what's going to happen for me - but the reality is, something did just happen, and i have no immediate control right now.
I hate emotions. I rarely feel them. I don't cry during goodbyes, I'm always the breaker-upper, I hide them when they do occasionally surface... then suddenly today I'm struck in the face like by that ton of bricks - life really exists, and at this point no fingers but mine own are pointing me in any directions. Imagine that. You are lost in a city where nobody speaks your language. You search frantically for help, but remain lost. Then you realize, you don't even know where you are trying to go in the first place. It's one thing to be lost and find your way. It's another to be lost without a destination. I'm not trying to leave or arrive anywhere. I am utterly and completely freely lost.
Still, no fingers.
CRACK goes the brick as it jars up my vision. I don't want to speculate. No more decisions.
I said this recently: "I have no idea who I am or what I want. Additionally, I know exactly who I am and what I want to do for the rest of my life. "
Why can't I just let it rest for crying out loud. I never let the cables let. Let the cables sleep.
A Moment in the Sun - a literary journey
2 years ago
7 comments:
mikie, if you feel a certain way, and if you feel it enough that it may actually have an influence over what you decide...then you need to know it is REAL enough and concrete enough by TALKING and communicating about your feelings with the source of those feelings. Saying things like..."hey, here's how i feel... and it's making me question myself"
To the point of " hey, i feel this way enough that it's making me consider changing my plans...."
IF you receive any doubt, any doubt or negativity from the other person after you have relinquished your feelings over to the other person....then you should go on bravely alone... This all may just be fun, play, fun and games. But, if you see secret excitement, happiness, if you see goodness light up in the eyes of the other person...you should carefully consider staying around and doing very good things in old SC in the future. You can travel and experience just as much sitting in one place as you can circling the world. It all starts in your heart, and it all depends what people or person is with you. The biggest travels we can make in this life are always and will always be: from point A to point B in one's very own heart. These things can transform our lives and bring more happiness than seeing the 7 wonders of the world. And seeing the 7 wonders of the world is good too, but usually even physical traveling's learned wisdom and inspiration comes mostly from WHO YOU MEET and WHO IS TRAVELING WITH YOU.
Love you,
adie
oh hey also, because this is a serious matter of the heart, it needs to be communicated with not just light-heartedness but some serious moments as well. That is what forms relationships. Scary as hell as they may be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mikie, I agree with Adie 100%, it is exactly what I was trying to say to you the other night on the phone. Adie just put it in writing - what I felt and wanted to communicate. I love you so much and just want you to BE HAPPY!! About decisions, I love one from the good old Mormon church, it involves the still small voice inside us all. When you are faced with decisions in life, pray about it to whatever god or supreme being out there in the universe that you believe in or are even hoping to believe in. Then you make a decision!!! Pray about it again and if you STILL feel confused, then it was not the right decision! Sometimes it is extremely painful in this life to get to the joy that the pain brings in the end. Like childbirth...there are up to 10 doles of pain that a human being is said to be able to tolerate without losing consciousness. Childbirth brings you to 9 and 10 but LOOK AT THE RESULT a precious, newborn baby child that is part of yourself and your partner, someone you will love with all your heart for the rest of your life. How painful and how joyful in a matter of minutes. I love you so much Mikie and can't stand to see you agonize so much over where you are going in life. You will be where you are meant to be. And you always ALWAYS have home. Mom
thank you for the comments adie, your perspective is a cool one to listen to. I admit, however, that I am slightly at a loss for how they relate to the blog...but regardless you make some good points. I believe also in the "sitting in one place vs. circling the world" concept. But I am on a different path, an older path, a heavier one. For all the pretty places I could stop and stare, I know that there still is a road stretched out ahead of me. I'm not gonna sit down if I'm even tired yet. Right?
guess I interpreted "something DID just happen" wrong... I thought you were writing that about a girl.
Wait a minute, did you read Mom's comment too? or just Adie's? I thought they both had pretty cool perspectives on what you're talking about.
thank you mom also. I definitely had read moms too. Both were pretty excellent perspectives that gave me an interesting balance to all the junk
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