more meat than meets the eye's meat

Hey.
It's a beautiful night. I'd be better off writing in my journal, but I'm already here and my hands aren't in the mood to scratch a pen on paper, really.

I finished the last night of my play tonight. The Bald Soprano/ David Ives. It's funny, about a year ago I was sitting in a class waiting for 60B to start, reading that Twicknam Vicorage play with Jimmy and Kai out of Jimmy's David Ives book of plays... and we all said, "hey! How cool would it be to put on a 'Night of David Ives' in the barn!" Now, a full year hence, that exact thing has come to a finish. Suprisingly, I learned the most from doing The Bald Soprano, a play I never even signed up to do in the first place but was kinda finnagled into doing if I wanted to be in Kai's David Ives play.

Anyhow, something really was triggered tonight. Something clicked. Some snap. Something.

See, I can't turn around. It hurts a little, too - and what a wonderful pain it is.
The family came a couple days ago, and that stupid heart string that gets tugged got tugged. But a day later I'm 10 times more ready to explore away again, into something new again and reconfigure my meanings of life again because of it, because I can. I love to have the family visit, and I hate it. Because it reminds me how close I really am from my home, and how fragile a thing it is to displace yourself so closely away from home. Because the "going back" becomes so easy, so convenient, and altogether ordinary. I cannot can NOT get to even have it anymore. I need to be forced fully, weened renundantly away, completely and utterly snapped off from the lifeline. I NEED to survive, like me and only only me. And survival has become something far too easy to accomplish. Yes, indeed I certainly have moved from one part of life to another. But now I need to continue further still. I need to lengthen that gap between, and fill the void with a new desire to proceed. I need to survive harder. Can I do it? Of course I believe I can. I have realized how possible it could be if I just suck up the guts and do my beautiful work; no gap can ever be wide enough nor any survival satiable enough for my ravenous lust for wishful fulfillment. Give it to me now, serve it up sweet and salty, harness my back to the lift and sling me to shatter the sky with my penetrating harrrahs!!
Then cut me loose, fall I shall, and fly I promise I will I will.
And fly I promise I will.

So that's where it stands tonight. This starry-eyed night sky over Santa Cruz, black and white waves breathing into our dark air with possibility and a sparkle of electric current glinting between the seconds. I cannot wait to see what's next. Jimmy knows, Kai knows, Ellie knows, Matt knows, Max knows, Patrick knows, Susannah knows, Jill knows, Daniel knows, Lee knows, Craig knows, Nikki knows, Alex certainly knows, like Justin knows and Allegra knows, Alanna knows, Joey knows, I know, we all know. Where it stands tonight, suspended tonight, asleep for just a moment tonight, we all know.
And fly we shall!