Na n'na n'na eyh

This picture makes me very happy.
Take a look at it.

A time for vent, a time for sleep

Once again I'm not asleep past 3 am. This time it's no thanks to a fun-filled midnight movie at the Del Mar of Serenity, and Bonnie came too! She's a cute girl, very sweet.

Ok. I could probably do better physically writing this out in one of my two going journals at the moment, but why not instead commune with the space of empty WWW's and say hello to You! That said, I will make the slight changeover to my little red book journal to finish out my thoughts. But I will vent briefly that at approaching 25 I can happily confirm that I have always known exactly who I am. The difficult part is figuring out what that means for the people around you. Shall I make a list? Yes.
How quaint.

1 - Bicycling makes me feel good.
2 - I look up, a lot.
3 - Natural processes (without scienfic analysis especially) fascinate me.
4 - Being loud in public is a very good thing.
5 - I'm way too finicky about my hair.
6 - Masochism has some interestingly useful side-effects.
7 - The hotter the better, always.
8 - Freezing is a sweet escape from mild passive climates like santa cruz.
9 - I like to write in verse when I am bored.
10 - Crushes make us happier people, generally.
11 - I don't understand memorization at all. Like sleeping, it just somehow happens.
12 - Nintendo and Lord of the Rings influence a large part of my daily thought.
13 - I'm obsessed with feeling good through physical exertion.
a. Bicycling
b. Sleeping after 2 am nightly.
c. Snowboarding, dancing, running around hot and sweaty in the sun with purpose.
d. Fighting for my life.
14 - Food used to be the most important thing in my life. Now it's second.
15 - Vehicles are like horses and friends: if you want to fly, you have to Love first.
16 - Freedom means something different for everybody.
a. Mikie's freedom is tied to the outdoors and horizons.
b. The unknown is a freedom of thought and action.
c. To achieve a possibility for feeling Love is my most greatest liberation.
17 - Link is lefthanded.
18 - There are no bad guys, just bad drivers. Everything else can be justified.
19 - It's 3:33am. I'm going to bed now.
20 - I'll finish this list later.
21 - I fell in love with a girl last night because she went out of her way to take care of my battered self. I didn't really need her for it, but just the same - it really meant something.
22 - I gave up on girls a long time ago
23 - And I could never be attracted to a guy.
24 - So I'm a little bit stuck. Maybe I'm asexual, without the 'a'
25 - That's how old I'll be in less than 1 month. 25. 1/4 of a Century. Awesome.


Love Mikie

A wallet from your childhood.

A saturday like today - nah, there couldn't be one. I got lonely just now, but for good reason. I feel like I'm always searching... and I guess I like that. There's something I just can't seem to find, like that piece of food that fell off your plate and rolled under the table, yet no matter how hard you look you can't find it. But it was your only meatball, and you're more than willing to wash it off and put it back.

Not so much, actually. More like I'm looking for somebody to be in love with that will fill up my randomly vacanted heartplace. I am a busy guy, and sometimes I even feel like I've grown up some - and then I'll have a Saturday like today when I'm reminded of feelings, ideals, sights and tastes and warmths and laughs and giddies I once experienced, ideals I once led a life to pursue. Do I have those same ideals? Am I actually that same person I watch crossing the screen of my computer, as I sit here in my third (and final!) year of Santa Cruz...what happened in such a small chunk of life, where did I go? When did that past reality allow itself to scoot out of the way and into some hazy sorts of wishful memories, to make way for this new version of a softer, faster thing?

Wait. I'm leaving here very soon. The posh school life, I will be done with it. And that old self- well I know I need a hearty hearty dose of it all. I need to eat the sun with sandals and bare shoulders again, I need to soar against the hot winds of a heavy mountain dirt, and freeze beneath covers with a cool smile smeared across my worriless face, I need to hold a girl that I love with all my heart without the pain of something deadlined next week; I must cry alone; I must crag up a thick tree of towers; I must remember what it is to love somebody. I wish I could have that freedom forever from now on. I I I I I.


To love somebody. Can I do it? Some BODY. Not Love something, or just Love, but love Somebody. Another person. Another face and mind and set of daily routines. Can I do it? I want to try now. I do.

This has been a lot of work here, almost too much. But I'm still alive and powering down some paths to some same place every last day.

Saturdays like today, rare and unwelcome, hop along and revoke my future thru ideals gone passed. It's those gorgeous timelines gone that pull my head up and I can see clearly again. Just one day like today, when I walk into my room and wonder "what just happened?" Looking around, picking up little pieces of mikie left around this room, from a stranger that's been living here for the last months, doing things with my life, dropping little remnants that I get to find the next morning. Who?

I'm driving myself a little mad with that. So I'll leave with this: I used to live for something, a blessed freedom that actually felt possible and out there. No oppressions, no expectations, just the love of freedom and horizons and possibilities. In 2 months, I'm faced with the same opportunity - and all of a sudden, the one thing I look forward to most every day coming out of UCSC, it becomes my greatest oppressor, my looming giant demon of non-escape. For the last 3 years, all's I ever wanted to do was act, as much as possible, as well as possible. For the last 3 months, I've achieved the pinnacle of that desire, and my tunnel-vision has become so extreme and speedy that I lost touch with everything. Shwoosh, shweesh shwahsH! Sliding up a dark tunnel towards a blistering light, blind!
Then SHWAM! suddenly that tunnel cracks on all sides, falls away behind me, I'm still sliding up but suddenly another light fills my eyes, and all that old scenery I once scanned, old faces, feelings of desire, impossible ideals, SHWAAAAAAAAA-CrrraACK! and I'm flooded! My senses drowned, my body quaking with a million tiny hands grasping at my clothes and hair to come back down and be free again. AHH!!

The reality is that I'm not actually stuck doing anything except what I make up to do for myself. I could drop it all, not attempt graduate school, not go to London, not try to act and just go home, like Link once his quest is over, back to his village again to stay.

So maybe I'll do that, find that lovely life once more, and maybe I'll be emptier than ever. I'll get there and in two weeks, maybe two months, I'll be empty again. Right now I'm eating my fuels on a daily basis. It's difficult, it's fast, it's soft, but even so I feel like I'm the slowest of the fast, the hardest of the soft, and possibly the most difficult of us all. I should trust my past self, that the choices I've made and that person who drops little remnants around my room each night is a brilliant-minded crazyboy, who makes incredible choices, who will always be free.

My family is still all with me, my natural love is still as insatiable, my romanticism still unwieldy, my flirty still untamed- all of these things are getting constantly honed and refined, so that what's left is an older, 'wiser', masked version of the-Mikie-that-has-always-been. Last night at the party, last summer in the Glen, last year above Fallen Leaf Lake, three hours ago at Trader Joe's with Angi, four years ago in Financial Aid, it's never been different. It's all one continuous moment, isn't it? The grass will always be greener, but sometimes I like it brown too.

and freedom will follow you Mikie, you'll see. Your loyalty towards freedom; Like a well-bred puppy, freedom will follow after you always. I promise.

"when you're down on your luck, and you can't harmonize,
get a girl with faraway eyes"

on the road again

yet here I sit still. I went up to the hills today, and walked in the sun. There was a lot to see, and I couldn't really contain myself. I had to stand against the wind and watch my shadow feeling the gusts coldly blowing against my sleeveless arms. I had to pick a "peak" and hike my best towards that distant destination, grooving on passed the cut-grass sport fields, the dirty-rocken steep paths, and finally meeting up with my giant trees. No sooner had I settled to suck up the view than a pretty nymph of the school and forest comes hopping down next to me, knowing my name, sparking a little conversation. Her prettiness did not totally distract me from the peak I had reached, yet I was strangely interested in her newness, next to me, and the feeling of unexpected familiar that was in her eyes. Alyssa, was her name. I enjoyed what I could discover from her, and left her there as some part of my peak I hadn't anticipated - the parts of the peak we only imagine or don't even think up until they come prancing into our lives, surpassing any expected circumstance. Well I left her, with her fellow boys and girls nymphs, and made my way back down the mountaineous hills towards my black hatchbacked wagon. I swung around the sport fields this time, admiring what lay against the western horizon and the landmarking other peaks of the distant low mountains that loom atop my everydays. I looked at that mountain, those mini towers adorning its semi-flat tops, and decided 'I will go there next'. And I tried, only to be distracted by the ocean calling for a different journey. Only to be distracted by a chance meeting with Daniel on the roads, calling my heart into yet another journey which took high'st priority and became the rest of my day into the evening. But that flat-tops peak I'll see someday soon again. I'll be there, standing, and look back at my sport fields spot, smiling. Tonight, instead, I'll go to sleep and rest my life before pulling up these roots and baring my crossed arms before the icy blasts of another heated day of work. I love every second of this. I don't ever want to forget it.

Night, and much love.
I'll marry someday

*Mikie

I'm leaving tomorrow but I could leave today

I've gotta get a move on, head for the sun
I hear my baby calling my name and I know that she's the only one
and if I die in Raleigh, least I will die free

I told Meg and Kai, I'm feeling particularly boyish this morning. But that's because I am a boy, I guess.

So, Joey wrote about the Grand Canyon, and he's right. It's all right there, way over there, far away from here, yet still there it is, and here, here I am. The funny thing about choosing a life, choosing a job, choosing a career, choosing a family, television, washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers - it's that after all is said and done you can still walk out into an open, empty rolling field with nothing but a pack as your bag, a knotty stick as your mate and experience a thrilling sudden cast of doubt against everything you've ever known. You can spend your whole person dedicated towards a fantastic idea and way of life, and then suddenly find subject every inkling of your choices to doubt, no thanks to some empty rolling fields and a bright sun above. It's a beautiful, frightening, significant state of being.

Today I was sitting on a bike path looking at some doodles I had drawn in my little red book whena pretty natural girl whizzed down the path next to me, smiling at me, the two of us momentarily alone in the big spacious yellow. She was gone with a "shwoosszz"and I watched her go, wondering 'why am I not there?' riding my bike on a path in the fields. Basically, I've missed something recently, something not entirely Here, something more natural and awake, and a little different than the rest of these things. These choices, some temporary some longterm. It's in my system to feel them again, at least temporarily before I dive headfirst into the next thick sauces of whatevers past these misty bridges.

Ok in other words, I want to go away, see, feel, hear, get. Take the lenses out, strap the goggles above my forehead, see. This is my last stretch of "college," and I'm stoked to see what pulls me next. Ciao journal dorkiness,

*Mikie

All for Love and Love for All

I don't know what happened, but now there's cooked tofu and peppers in my fridge, and I like it.

It's the 8'th of the month, or so. I'm fairly happy, if not totally unsure as to who I am and where I'm going.
Yeah, sure I'd like to see some things. I mean, who wouldn't? those things are just sitting there anyway, accomplishing their purposes independently from my seeing them, yet still they remain to be seen. Well I want to see things, and a lot of things at that. And here I am, sitting in front of this massive screen in Santa Cruz by the beach, finishing a night from a dinner well-composed. And friends from various groups and places, well met. I was called Keanu Reeves tonight, but because of my "boyish looks and cocky attitude". Humm. Well if Keanu can pull off dudeishm and cock in one actor's life-span, then I'm in.
But tonight was a good night. Daniel and I spent a better part of the day here at home, sitting around shirtless, talking about philosophies and calling friends to attend our ritual Sunday dinner. Then I left, explored some Santa Cruz, some UCSC, some more Santa Cruz, and then returned to cook up a hefty curried tofu and brown rice dish. Alex, Daniel and myself joined in the celebrations as would any typical wineys, and then came the guests. By an hour later, close to 16 people were here, sharing foods and talking and laughing. Golly gee I like it. We played a game of drawing-telephone, and then danced into the evening. Eventually our unfortunately thin-wall-divided downstairs neighbors showed up to ask a pleasant shutup, and we did. Some left, some congregated on the balcony, and I, alone, went to the kitchen to clean up the dishes and think about my sitch.
Wow, I love.
Why is it that whenever us beatty's talk about Love you roll your eyes and grit your teeth? At least, that's what I'd assume you would do. The reality is this: we love. We love to see people together, to watch communities grow, to feel spirits freed, to experience the fantasies of a real life living. I love it, so so much. I love to watch my body and mind grow, and experiences awaken my eyes to new things. I love to feel the closeness of people sharing common ideals and loves as well, and in the end to be left alone is one of the most sweetest bitter moments of them all, because it's when I smile quietly knowing who wasn't finally included, and what things I might have seen differently otherwise. I am single, yes, and the beautiful girl I'm currently pedastalizing did not come despite my multiple invitations. My family is of the group of people who constantly are telling me "you can have any girl you want". It's moments like these that I'm wisely reminded why argue with them whenever they make this claim. So as I'm doing the leftover dishes, alone in a big kitchen after a night of fun and friends and food, I am smiling to cool gust of air coming through the window knowing that in my aloneness I am only a happy and temporary boy.
There are things I want to see out there, outside the bounds of this enclosed forested city. There are places beyond the bulwarks guarding my corner of the ocean here by our school, and someday soon enough I'll be making my way someward in a direction other than this one. So girls, you may miss your chance, loves lost and what have you, I am on my ship out and I can't wait to see where the captain takes me next. And so, us sheepish beatty passionlike beings, I Love it all right here, right now. It's all for Love, and the things to come. Happy first Sunday Night Dinner, yo.
Love Mikie

Welcome to Beattyland

Hello friend,

If by perchance you find your stance reclined,
then, choosing to peruse the chance, unwind;
enjoy your pants off, dance the night away
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