I've been bad. In fact, we all have been baad. Nobody other than the lovely Heather has posted anything on this blog for quite a while. It's turning barren, like an old McDonald's that's going out of business.
Well let me liven up this restaurant with a little bit of business, shall I?
Life has been almost Regular for about a month now. Almost. I see that outside the bad wiring of my own daily misroutines, most people are living pretty happily. Fairly Regularly.
End of the Summer, ie. the end of Regularity.
I remember my last day of rafting, not so long ago. It was about a month ago when River Runners hired me for one more weekend before the business shut down for the colder months. At the time, I was buzzing with love and regularity (not the pooping kind either). I had a job and people that needed my services. I had blossoming friendships amongst many, and potential exciting propositions for the future. Truly, I felt a stable Regularness and it was grand.
After that final weekend, though, I could sense it. There was something approaching, loooming; like the Nothing from
Neverending Story
trailing along in a tidal sweep, vacuuming up regularity. I've met this demon before, I know of it. But in that last weekend of the river, it hadn't reached me yet, hadn't caught up. But I could sense that it was coming like a change in the winds, these dark clouds creeping over the distant sunny hills. I knew it was coming, the Nothing. I knew it!
So I got in my car and took off. I zipped down to Santa Cruz to see Candice, then to Los Angeles in a frenzy, looking for Regularity in any shape size or form. I befriended Dan Beckner and rode my bike, I applied for jobs and looked at homes..but the irregular Nothing crept closer by the day. I drove to the top of Mount Baldy and echoed cries of desperate freedom to the high ranges that wrap around the Los Angeles valleys. I worked long hours for a television studio, making as many connections as possible amongst people in a quickening search for Regularity. I booked a Disney gig. I found a potential home. I went giddily to a pumpkin patch with my lovely girlfriend..and the Irregular Nothing began to recede. I could see that all my fighting, all my effort was having effect on the impending darkness. The clouds were pulling back, the sun was still shining and my running rampart was working! So I kept at it. I almost solidified decisions, about a house and a job, I almost felt good about my Kia being reliable, I almost moved...
Then Dan had money troubles and the clouds saw it. Then my Check Engine light came on, and the clouds crookedly smiled. Then I had nowhere to sleep at night, and the clouds began to move again. I saw them, moving, and said, "No, no! Not this time" and hopped into my Check Enginey Kia to head North, back to Santa Cruz to find Regular again. But the clouds followed in hot pursuit. And as I arrived, so did the irregular Nothing. So that when I reached out the following morning to start my car...
"Reeenenenenenenenennnn... Reeeenenneneenenenenen....."
the sound of my car not starting. Turning over, no spark.
"I can FIGHT you, irregularity!" I bellowed. Running to the nearest Kragen, I ordered a new set of spark plug wires. Take that!! Candice and I made a feast and drank wine, and the next morning with the sun shining I fixed the Check Enginey Kia, installing the fresh wires. Got in the car. Turned the key..
"Whoosh!" It starts right up!
"HA!!"
And so with a bit of uncertainty, I dash away again. Away towards a hopeful Regular life. And the clowds followed.
It was night. I was cruising at an almost Regular speed, towards my almost Regular home in Placerville when the clowds finally overcame me.
"POP!!!!! chugchugchugchugchugchugchug" goes the car. Finally. I knew it. I'd been here before, and I'd been waiting for this moment. The clouds swept up and smothered me. But I'm stronger now, and I can do this. Grabbing my headlamp, I pop the hood with tools in hand and on the side of a lit-up freeway in the cold Fall nighttime, I reached into the engine to fix the spark plug. Only this time, there was no fix. The engine was doomed. It took me a few tries to realize that the spark plug was not going to fit back into the hole, nor was the car going to be drivable for the rest of the night. A little bit defeated, I knew what i had to do. Turning off my headlamp, stepping back into the car, I breathed a long sigh of Nothing air and called my Dad.
"Sure, I can pick you up. Just leave your car at the Chevron"
And so I did. In the same, limpey fashion that I know so well, I managed to chug my car to the nearest Chevron sans one cylinder firing. The noise was overwhelming.
And the feeling?
Strangely, Regular. For once, I felt like my luck had ran out and I was back in the Nothing...which has become a Regular entity. Maybe the Nothing
is
Regularity for me. Maybe the Murphy's Law-induced lack of insecurity (ie. "Nothing gold can stay so do what you love") is my normal.
But you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not knowing what I'm going to do next and waiting it out. I'm tired of the puzzle and the struggle of it all, "just getting to class is half the battle," so to speak. I have too much good energy to waste it all on the chase away from Irregular Nothing.
When I look around, I see people that are blessed with opportunity. It looks them in the face and they take it. They don't search for it desperately on foot or in car. It just sits there, waiting for them to say Yes. I see kids who's parents give them automobiles. I see graduates who are offered internships and jobs. I hear stories of successful businesses. I watched as my friends happily go from day to day knowing exactly what they are doing and relaxing in the peace of mind. And then I look in the mirror and see a young man who has to manufacture every single opportunity that he gets, from scratch. I see a person who is chased by a lack of stability, no matter where he goes. I see a guilt-ridden citizen who has no offers, little help and a completely destructive history of luck. I don't know what I see, except for a young man who fights the Nothing every single day.
I keep saying, "You wait. I will have a good job, and work for a good company, and feel educated and drive a dependable car and finally have peace and happiness filling my heart. I'll pay off all my debt, and then yours too. It's all right there... I just need one thing first: the tool that will eliminate the Nothing that stands in my way. How can I destroy this monster once and for all. I know I can. If I can imagine it, then it must be possible."
If you can imagine it, then it must be possible. That might be it.
Am I alone?
sometimes these pictures were just an all around STUPID IDEA like these next two featured:
and sometimes you just don't know what's going on and the picture just generally makes you feel...stupid.
intrepid EXPLORER:
great DANCER:
TRIP PLANNER extraordinaire:
good balancer of adventure/home life:
and incredible FATHER:
a little bit daredevil:
brilliant:
and simply a kind, wise, wonderful, loveable human being!
